An Open Letter to the Stairs That Lead to My Basement

Dear Stairs,

Would you please tell me what I have ever done to offend you? Why are you so mean to me? I know that I don't keep you as clean as I should. I know we walk all over you. But isn't that your purpose in life? Yes, perhaps I work you a little harder than the rest of my family but, hey, I work hard, too!

In case you have forgotten, let me remind you of how cruel you have been over the years. Aside from the minor falls you have caused me over the years, there have been some serious ones. In the year 2000, you made me miss a step and sit down hard, breaking my tailbone. The pain was excruciating and lasted for months. It was over a year before I could sit through a whole church service without having to stand in the back. I still feel pain when I sit too long.

Then, as if that wasn't enough, in 2003, you made me miss the last step and I sprained my ankle badly enough to go to the hospital for x-rays. My ankle swelled up like a softball and I hobbled around for six weeks.

You had gone several years without being TOO mean. I really thought that perhaps we could become friends. Yes, I had fallen a time or two but no major injuries....until this morning. I got up early, had my private devotions, made myself a nice healthy fruit salad for breakfast and was heading to the basement to check email while I ate it. Next thing I knew, my leg gave out from under me, my face hit the wall and there were oranges, blueberries and bananas every where. I sat there for several minutes gaging where I ached and how badly while hoping someone would come to help me (since you certainly didn't offer) but the rest of my family was still asleep. The side of my face hurt, my knee hurt, my big toe hurt and my ankle hurt. I felt something run down the side of my face, touched it and realized it was blood. I realized that my glasses were missing and I found them in a mangled heap beside me. I managed to get myself to the bathroom, where I saw the cut was actually quite small and not very deep, though it continued to bleed for some time. However, my face is bruised and my knee, toe and ankle are still sore. Thankfully, we managed to get to the eye doctor this afternoon and my glasses were fixable. Thankfully the rims were flexible and the glass was not broken.

All I can say is "Thanks a lot! You did it again!"

I know it can't possibly be that "Klutz" is my middle name. It is obvious to me that you have a personal vendetta against me. I think it is time that you grow up and put personal issues aside and do you job, which isn't that difficult. Your job is simply to get me from the top of the stairs to the bottom (and vice versa) in one piece. Surely that is not too much to ask!